There & Back Again, Part 2 – Prickly Lodgings

There & Back Again, Part 2 – Prickly Lodgings

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."  -Kin Hubbard"Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper." -Friedrich Nietzsche . I truly believe that tragedy can bring out the best in people... & that the holidays can bring out the worst.  Humans are fucked up like that.  In spite of everyone's best intentions, sometimes holiday gatherings get tense or chaotic.  No matter how hard you try, you may still end up feeling as though you've stepped out of reality & into one of those ridiculous Christmas movies where everything goes wrong.We arrived at our destination in rural PA a day late.  We got to see a few relatives - some that I had not seen in several years & that Olivier had never met.  We had a great time - in spite of my occasional fits of choking on mucous & bleeding from the...
Read More
Why I Didn’t Read Your Email

Why I Didn’t Read Your Email

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
I used to like receiving email.  Back in the day when I had an email account on AOL & the chipper robot voice would exclaim, "You've got mail!", it was a happy occasion. Now, here it is more than a decade later, I've got email accounts on Yahoo!, Google & some other shitty site that I never remember to check more than once a month. I've got widgets on my desktop to notify me of new mail - they're more silent than the robot voice.  (He really got annoying after a while, didn't he?) Of course, I only bother to take a gander at those widgets after I've taken the time to respond to my Facebook messages & Twitter responses.  I think I've still got a Myspace account floating around out there & I respond to the comments on this blog via email, too. When I finally do take a look at my inbox, I might have anywhere between 5 - 50 emails.  Of...
Read More

Misanthropy at the Movies

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
At the restaurant inside the movie theater, Olivier & I sat down at the table.  He started eating.  I was struggling with the impenetrable plastic package holding my napkin & brittle plastic fork."Man... did you get a load of those fucking people that were in line in front of us?"Olivier responded by nodding his head.  His mouth was full of sandwich.  He swallowed.  "Yeah, they were pissing me off, too," he said.  Sip of soda.  Swallow.  "The wife was smashing her elbow into my ribs while she bitched about napkins to the person working behind the counter."My fork was now free.  I pulled my sandwich apart & began flicking bits of tomato off of it.  "Seriously... you'd think that her husband could have corralled their kids while she did her bitching."  Tomato.  Flick.  "I thought that they were going to start climbing my legs as if I were a mighty oak.  I love how people think that any other adult...
Read More
Annoying Americans, Volume 3 – Ordering Food

Annoying Americans, Volume 3 – Ordering Food

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
Ok, so imagine this: a group of people that you don't know come over to your house for dinner.  They don't speak your language very well - they expect you, as the host, to comprehend everything that they say.  They point & pantomime, occasionally spitting out a few words that you can understand.This group of strangers gag when they see the food that you set before them.  They balk in their foreign tongue & ask for other food items that you've never heard of, as those things exist only in their country.They're obnoxious, rude & don't understand what the problem is.Of course, the problem could be that they're naturally assholian, but it's more likely that they're just ignorant.Which is worse?  Um... does it matter?I've seen this happen here in Paris.  It's fucking painful to watch.  American tourists in restaurants & cafés who haven't the slightest clue about ordering food in France. To be fair, it can be confusing.  However, I've...
Read More
Speaking American

Speaking American

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
It took me a bit by surprise, the first time I heard it."You don't speak English."For fuck's sake.  What was I thinking?  Of all of the things that I have ever pulled out of my ass, the notion that I speak English is among the worst.  Sometimes I'm such an audacious shit.  Of course I don't speak English.  I must be speaking...hell, I have no idea.  What language is it that I speak, then?"You speak American."Oh...right.  American.I had to move to France to learn this, that I speak American.  Evidently, anyone who originates from the Unites States is not an English speaker.  We are all American speakers.At least, this is what some of the French have told me.I have no proof, but I'm assuming this means that the Canadians are speaking "Canadian" rather than French or English & that the Brazilians are speaking "Brazilian" rather than Portuguese.To be fair, there are plenty of U.S. citizens who think that they are...
Read More

My Clock Can Wait for Uncontrolled Pooping

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
There comes a time in a marriage when people will begin asking about your plans to start breeding.  That time generally falls somewhere between saying "I do" & cutting the cake.Once they've started asking, they won't stop.  "So, when are you going to start having kids?"  Their eyes are blinking rapidly, focused on you, waiting for an answer.What is the correct response to this one?  Do I tell them when we'll be having our next sexy fun time?  Do I present a chart with my ovulation cycle?  For fuck's sake...I'm still in my wedding dress.There's only one thing to do - drink heavily throughout the duration of the reception.Damn.  Only one problem.  It doesn't stop after the reception."But your clock is ticking, you know."  Now, that's tact.  I'm 35.  My clock isn't a major concern for me right now.  I should punch you in the spine.Is that what marriage is?  Get the piece of paper & start pushing out larvae...
Read More