You Can Go Home Again… For a Price

You Can Go Home Again… For a Price

“There are things you just can't do in life. You can't beat the phone company, you can't make a waiter see you until he's ready to see you, and you can't go home again.” -Bill Bryson "You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood ... back home to a young man's dreams of glory and of fame ... back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time — back home to the escapes of Time and Memory." -Thomas Wolfe, You Can't Go Home Again "America is my country and Paris is my hometown." -Gertrude Stein ◊ There is something that happens to someone when they live abroad. It doesn't matter where they live, or for how long; spending an extended period of time living in a country that is not your own will affect anyone who tries it. If you've...
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Misanthropy at the Movies

At the restaurant inside the movie theater, Olivier & I sat down at the table.  He started eating.  I was struggling with the impenetrable plastic package holding my napkin & brittle plastic fork."Man... did you get a load of those fucking people that were in line in front of us?"Olivier responded by nodding his head.  His mouth was full of sandwich.  He swallowed.  "Yeah, they were pissing me off, too," he said.  Sip of soda.  Swallow.  "The wife was smashing her elbow into my ribs while she bitched about napkins to the person working behind the counter."My fork was now free.  I pulled my sandwich apart & began flicking bits of tomato off of it.  "Seriously... you'd think that her husband could have corralled their kids while she did her bitching."  Tomato.  Flick.  "I thought that they were going to start climbing my legs as if I were a mighty oak.  I love how people think that any other adult...
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Everyone Has a Superpower

Every time my husband hits "pause" on the TV, it never fails to freeze the image of the person on the screen in an absolutely hilarious moment.The actor's face is frozen in the most unflattering expression, their body contorted leaving them looking hilariously fucked-up.That's his superpower.I have a superpower, too. Besides having the ability to make even very shitty dollar bills work in just about any vending machine, I also have animal-like claws. Yep, it's true. They grow at an unusually fast rate. I have to cut them every couple of weeks with a pair of those big-ass toenail clippers, but only after I've just gotten out of a very long and hot shower to get them into a semi-soft state. They are so hard that they almost never break. When they do break, it generally requires some quick, violent action and it's like snapping a piece of plastic; a loss of flesh and a great deal of blood is...
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