Humor – Page 2 of 7 – Rasmenian detritus

Awkward Adventures in the Socialized Healthcare of France

August 30, 2012November 23, 2020 by Rasmenia Comment Closed

Before I even get started, let me warn you that if you get squeamish when it comes to chatter about doctors poking around in lady bits, then this post will not interest, amuse or inform you in any way. You'll likely be too preoccupied with all of your squeamishing to to focus on reading, so... off you go while the rest of us talk.Like a great many people, I've never cared much for going to the doctor. Any doctor. For anything. I'm not afraid of doctors, but in the past, I usually had to feel as though I were at risk of coughing up my aorta, or maybe shitting out a spleen or several yards of intestines. Even when I had broken bones, I was reluctant. I didn't mind carrying my broken wrist with my good arm if the alternative was sitting in the emergency room. A busted eye socket... well, I didn't even go to the hospital. Luckily, I...

I Don’t Live in Paris

February 3, 2012November 24, 2020 by Rasmenia Comment Closed

I live in France. I don't live in Paris. I used to live in Paris.People sometimes ask me about something going on in Paris. I can only answer with, "Um... I don't really know the details about that. I don't live in Paris."Occasionally, I'll be asked, "So, how're things in Paris?""Well, fine as far as I know. But, I can only guess because... I don't live in Paris."A little over 6 years ago, I stepped off a plane at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. Olivier was still my husband-to-be & I was not yet Madame Massoud. He fetched me & my Cat at the airport, along with all the possessions I could bring along with me.He took us home, to his apartment in Montmartre. All of you who are either already familiar with the area, or who are Francophile Amelie geeks, know that Montmartre is located in the 18th arrondissement of Paris. For the rest of you, here's a...

Stay Away From the Weird Writer Woman

March 18, 2011November 23, 2020 by Rasmenia Comment Closed

If you have a little girl, don't let her grow up to be a writer. You'll only regret it. Here's what could happen: you could end up with a weirdo. A weirdo who sits alone in her room, scribbling in notebooks. A weirdo who you wish would try a little harder to be "normal". But instead, you've got this strange little shit, sitting in her room, organizing these stacks of notebooks as if they actually meant something. When her birthday rolls around, or Christmas, you hope that she'll ask for one of those cute little fluffy whatever-the-hell those things are called because that's what your friend's daughter wants and they're the same age, so... you hope. But, no. Your little freak asks for a typewriter. Never mind that she doesn't even know how to type. Whatever. You'll buy her the damn thing and try not to stare at the awkward, hand-flying, key-banging style that she's developing as she's teaching herself to type. Then you'll...

All the Wine I Drink

October 15, 2010October 15, 2010 by Rasmenia Comment Closed

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame! Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered.Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver" — Jack Handey...

The Science of Dry Humping

October 1, 2010November 23, 2020 by Rasmenia Comment Closed

"It seems to be that southern Europeans are just more intimate socially, whereas I like a lot of personal space - like, a mile from the nearest person is fine for me." — Peter Steele * * * As soon as Olivier and I entered the checkout line, I jumped in front of him, hiding myself from the old lady who was getting in line right behind us. "What are you doing?" he asked me. "Creating a safety buffer. This way, the person behind us in the line can't dry hump me." "Bad plan. Now I can dry hump you," he said. "That's okay. We're married. That falls under the 'acceptable' column on my list of public dry humping requirements," I said, peering over his shoulder at the geriatric menace lurking behind him. This is something that has become routine; creating a buffer zone in public whenever possible. For an American living in France, this is something that is absolutely necessary, unless you just happen to be...

Paris: Real & Surreal

August 4, 2010August 5, 2010 by Rasmenia Comment Closed

There are certain places around the globe you can go to that just don't seem real. Standing before certain buildings, monuments & natural wonders can often be a very surreal experience, feeling less like a day out of real life & a lot more like being on a movie set.Or, more accurately... in an actual movie.Whenever I go to Washington D.C., it feels bizarre to me, as though I've been inserted into the middle of a news report, or some exciting action flick. I've constantly got my eyes peeled for a bad guy to come tearing through the crowd, pursued by a determined hero with a pistol in his hand. I periodically check the skies for aliens, who as we all know, only land in major cities with well-known buildings & monuments.As anyone can imagine, Paris is no different. In fact, for Americans, it's probably even more surreal. Seeing something like the Eiffel Tower for the first time is an...