Living Abroad Makes You Talk Funny

Living Abroad Makes You Talk Funny

There's a scene in Highlander where our hero, the immortal Connor MacLeod, gets hauled in by the New York City popo for engaging in some swordfight and beheading shenanigans in a parking lot during a wrestling match. During the questioning, a cop tells him he talks funny, and asks where he's from. Without hesitation, 450 year-old MacLeod answers, "Lots of different places."He talks funny because he's a French actor portraying a 16th century Scottish man. If you suspend your disbelief and allow yourself to have fun, he speaks this way because he's been wandering the globe for more than 400 years and it's distorted his accent into something that can't be identified.I wanted that. The first few months I spent living abroad, I was certain that it was only a matter of time before my American accent softened. That after years of being immersed in a sea of French language, my English would become smoother at the edges where the...
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The Unintentional Comedy of French Movie Titles

The Unintentional Comedy of French Movie Titles

It recently occurred to me that I haven't made fun of any French weirdness in quite a while. I mean, it's been like, 2 whole blog posts ago. It's not that I'd stopped noticing, having grown accustomed & become part of the weirdness. Okay, okay... I may have become a wee part of the weirdness, but that doesn't mean I don't take notice of it.One thing that has been a constantly baffling source of amusement here is the French titles for American movies. This isn't something confounding only to Americans, either. There are plenty of savvy French movie goers who understand the absurdity & hilarity of the French titles, but those bizarre titles keep showing up, anyway.It often seems that there is no rhyme or reason to it. After seeing countless movie posters, TV spots & theater signs, there is no discernible pattern to this madness. Believe me, I've tried to make sense of it. I can't do it.Sometimes, they...
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French Haters: Your Ignorance is Showing

French Haters: Your Ignorance is Showing

So... a Frenchman walks into a bar. No, wait... how many Frenchmen does it take to... wait, no. Have you heard the one about the French guy who -Seriously... shut the fuck up.It's no secret that I've got a lot of pet peeves. People are constantly grating on my nerves. I simply do not have a lot of patience where people are concerned.  Usually, the stupid things they say & do are mildly irritating, easily ignored. Some may piss me off... then there are the other acts of stupidity & running off at the mouth that I absolutely cannot abide.Racist & sexist jokes are a good example.I'm not talking about politically incorrect humor. I'm not referring to friendly jabs & charicatures.  I'm talking about cruel & malicious jokes that are not even intended to be funny. Ignorant & historically inaccurate babble designed to be rude & bigoted without even trace amounts of humor.What's worse is to tell these asinine "jokes"...
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Pride and Profanity

"I'm not gonna say anything inspirational; I'm just gonna fucking swear a lot." ~ Billie Joe Armstrong * If you're easily offended, turn back now. I'm giving you this warning not because I care about your feelings, but because I don't want to deal with your pissing and moaning regarding your wounded sensibilities. I'm giving you this warning because I say what I want to and find the whining of those who feel it is their duty to police others' language to be petty and irritating. That being said, if you're going to lose your shit over a few F-Bombs, close your browser now, or forever shut the hell up about it. I've had it brought to my attention in the fairly recent past that I use a lot of profanity in my writing. While this has come from a few different places and didn't really surprise me much, it was pointless to tell me about it. I'm well aware of the fact that this blog...
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Annoying Americans, Volume 2 – The Phrase Book is Your Friend

Annoying Americans, Volume 2 – The Phrase Book is Your Friend

There's really no excuse for it.  Yet people do it here in Paris all of the time.  I've seen them doing it & I've overheard them in restaurants, shops & cafés.  Worst yet - I've been with people when they've done it.American tourists speaking English...assuming that the French person they are speaking to also speaks English.There are really only a couple of reasons why an American would come over to France without taking the time before their trip to learn a few essential phrases: laziness & arrogance.Seriously, it doesn't take much time & it isn't such an extravagant expense to pick up one of these in preparation for a trip to France.Yet, a ridiculous number of people don't fucking bother with it.  The book pictured above is less than $10.  I purchased the same one a few years ago.  It hardly broke the bank.  I was still able to afford some Taco Bell & cigarettes later that day.Don't get me...
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Speaking American

Speaking American

It took me a bit by surprise, the first time I heard it."You don't speak English."For fuck's sake.  What was I thinking?  Of all of the things that I have ever pulled out of my ass, the notion that I speak English is among the worst.  Sometimes I'm such an audacious shit.  Of course I don't speak English.  I must be speaking...hell, I have no idea.  What language is it that I speak, then?"You speak American."Oh...right.  American.I had to move to France to learn this, that I speak American.  Evidently, anyone who originates from the Unites States is not an English speaker.  We are all American speakers.At least, this is what some of the French have told me.I have no proof, but I'm assuming this means that the Canadians are speaking "Canadian" rather than French or English & that the Brazilians are speaking "Brazilian" rather than Portuguese.To be fair, there are plenty of U.S. citizens who think that they are...
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