Since I’ve moved from the generally unknown small town of Loveland, Colorado to Paris, France, I have encountered, observed and been told about several activities that were previously unknown to me.
I would like to share with all of you some of the things that I have learned should you ever want to participate in these activities yourself if you might happen to visit Paris, or any other very large and congested city that is crawling with dip shits.
1. Fuck up a métro (subway/tube) station. Go to a very crowded métro station at rush hour. The bigger the clusterfuck, the better. Wait until you see a group of people approaching the exit. Push them all back so that you can enter through the exit.
This is a lot more fun if you go with a group of friends, or if you have something very large to take with you like a baby stroller, a set of African drums or an enormous load of steaming hot ears of corn. However, it’s still a very amusing solo activity and is a great way to travel about the city for free.
2. Bring a drunken hobo to work. There are several of these around the city, so it is fairly simple to pick one up on the way to the office. Just let him in the building and head to your desk. All of your coworkers will be happy to see hobo as he makes a surprise entrance at one of their meetings.
Sometimes hobo will want to play games with your fellow employees, such as playing a spirited bout of “keep away” with their computer mouse. Hobo is always very interested in the doings of the office employees. Don’t be surprised if hobo repeatedly asks everyone that he encounters, “What are you doing?”
Most species of hobo are bound to be close talkers and have a mighty pungent boozy breath. Don’t let this dissuade you from befriending hobo. Hobo will graciously accept mints and candy. Hobo is also likely to go foraging for snacks or make speeches that no one understands.