13 Movies That I Want to Watch (But Don’t Exist)

1.  Don Quixote

Terry Gilliam has already tried to make this one.  Evidently, the movie didn’t want to be made – flash floods, an injured lead actor & the Spanish air force proved to be rather expensive & inconvenient flies in Gilliam’s ointment.  The good news is, Gilliam is rewriting the script as I write this post.  Hopefully his second try will turn out better & we won’t end up with Lost in La Mancha II: The Next Disaster.

2.  Jericho

The show that, in spite of being saved once by an insane amount of peanuts, eventually came to an end.  A feature film is in development.  Unfortunately, “in development” doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing as, “Fuck yes, we are definitely making this movie!”  So, until then… I wait.

3.  Arrested Development

Why this show was canceled to begin with is beyond me.  It’s one of those stupid things that happens.  It doesn’t make sense & can only be explained with the statement, “some idiot shat the bed”.  The rumors have been flying for a while now – will there be a movie, or won’t there?  Will all of the cast members sign on, or won’t they?  Well, it’s got an IMDB page, now… so that’s probably a good sign.

4.  Sliders

Ok… I’ve accepted that this is never going to happen.  In spite of some talk a long time ago, Sliders just fizzled & died.  I’m learning how to move on.  But… maybe, just maybe one day, someone will recreate this?  A reboot?  Is anybody listening to me?  Anyone?

5.  Odd Thomas

I generally don’t get into book series.  I just can’t handle that much commitment.  However, Odd won me over & now I can’t get enough of him.  Film adaptations of Dean Koontz novels have… well, they haven’t been that great.  Most of them have been lame made for TV movies.  Blah.  Koontz said at Comic-Con last year that an Odd Thomas movie was going to happen, with an unnamed actor slated to play Odd.  I haven’t heard anything since, but I’ve got my ear to the ground & my eye on the webternets.

6.  Satan’s Alley

Ok, so you saw Tropic Thunder, right?  What?  No?  Damn.  I don’t even know how to talk to you.

7.  Adrian Paul is James Bond

Ok… seriously, there is just no good reason for this not happening.  Daniel Craig?  Why?  Adrian should have been James Bond ages ago.  You can picture it, can’t you?

8.  The Vega Brothers

It really doesn’t make much sense – both Vic & Vinnie Vega are dead.  It’s been a few years since Reservoir Dogs & Pulp Fiction.  Michael Madsen & John Travolta have visibly aged somewhat, so a prequel seems a little absurd at this point.  There were various interviews with Madsen & director Quentin Tarantino floating around for a while stating that this flick was going to happen,but I just don’t think we’ll ever see it.  Incredible bummer.

9.  The Incredible Hulk Trilogy

I just can’t put into words how giddy I was at the theater when we went to see this movie.  Growing up, the Hulk was one of my favorites – I read the comics, I made sure that I was parked in front of the TV every Friday night when the series was on & I had a slew of merchandise.  When I found out that Ed Norton was playing Bruce Banner, I almost peed.  Between this movie & The Dark Knight, I can’t believe that I made it through the summer without having some sort of urine-soaked seizure.  It seems now that there is some uncertainty about whether or not Norton will return for another installment.  But, this is one of my childhood heroes & one of my favorite actors we’re talking about here – I’m not going to give up hope just yet.

10.  Return to Castle Wolfenstein

Yeah, I know that most video game movies suck.  Don’t start with me.  I still think that the plot would make a decent action flick.  Come on – Nazis?  The occult?  Blowing shit up?  Zombies & shit?  Those are all worth throwing together in a movie, right?  I mean, as long as it isn’t Uwe Boll doing it.  Besides… I can only play this game so many times, you know?

11.  Machete

Maybe you’ve already seen the fake trailer that was made for this when Grindhouse came out.  The trailer was so freaking awsome… how could they not make this into a movie?  Well, it sounds like they probably will – & it might even be a trilogy.  However, it’s been a while since there’s been any news, so it could end up being another one of those cool movies that never actually happened.

12.  Wonder Woman

Ugh… there has been so much on again, off again chatter surrounding the making of this film for so long that I don’t think that I can believe any of it until I see some actual production stills, or better yet – a trailer.  Until then, I’ll have to be content with an animated Wonder Woman movie.

13.  Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash

Um… yeah.  So, really… WHO DOESN’T WANT TO SEE THIS FREAKING MOVIE?!!?  Ok… sorry.  I’m prone to episodes.  This was another one of those rumors that just never happened.  There are comic books of these 3 battling it out, but it doesn’t look like there will ever be an actual movie.  Why not?  Because Bruce Campbell fucking says so & since Bruce dwells in the hallowed halls of awesome while the rest of us are mere mortals, we should just trust in Bruce.  Bruce knows best.

[tags]Thursday, thirteen, movies, machete, wonder woman, freddie vs jason vs ash, bruce campbell, don quixote, terry gilliam, vega brothers, sliders, jericho, arrested development, odd thomas, castle wolfenstein, uwe boll, satan’s alley, incredible hulk, ed norton, james bond, adrian paul[/tags]