Sinners, Marriage & Mockery

“I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
Sinners are much more fun…”

-Billy Joel

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So there was this woman that was living in sin – yeah, you know what that means – the avoidance of matrimony, holy or otherwise, and she had the nerve to live under the same roof with a man.

“I don’t know if he’s the one,” she said.

“I’m not ready for that,” she said.

Of course the parents that she was stuck with – the ones that she never saw – didn’t approve of this one bit.

“It goes against the Bible,” they said.

“We don’t know what to tell our friends,” they said.

Well, this woman just went on living her life because she knew that trying to please them was a waste of time and would only create misery for herself. She was selfish like that.

She cared even less about their Bible or their friends. She was an asshole like that.

“You should really think about marriage,” her stepmother prodded, Bible firmly held in hand. “I can plan the wedding for you. I’m quite skilled at making plans.”

The sinner sighed and put her hand to her head.

“I don’t know if he’s the one,” she said.

“I’m not ready for that,” she said.

Days went by, then weeks and months. Finally the day came when the letter arrived – the letter from stepmother – the one that never should have been written at all.

“I’ve got your wedding planned,” the letter began, “I’ve chosen the location, your dress and your ring – you don’t have to worry about a thing!”

“This is fucking insane!” The sinner cried. “She’s got to be completely deranged!”

She got on the phone. She’d prepared her speech – it was an effort not to scream, not to shout or screech.

“This has to be a joke. I don’t want to get married, I’m not getting married, and if it should so happen that one day I change my mind, I will plan it myself. Maybe you could talk to your friends – I’m sure one of them has a funeral that you could arrange for them. Perhaps one will soon decide to kill themselves.”

The stepmother didn’t understand what went wrong. “But I’ve already chosen your maid of honor – it’s going to be your cousin, Trish!”

“I’ve never even met Trish.” The sinner hissed. “I’ve got my own friends – a crucial fact that you’ve obviously missed.”

The wedding never happened. The parents that she never saw were disappointed and spent most of their time trying to figure out what to tell their friends.

Eventually, she stopped living in sin. She decided to leave him, to live alone with a pile of books like a godless heathen.

“What did you do wrong?” The parents asked. “It must have been your fault that it didn’t last. What are you doing, now? This is no life that you have.”

The sinner just smiled and shook her head.

“He wasn’t the one,” she said.

“I wasn’t ready for that.” she said.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

1)  The only thing that makes sense is to live for yourself. Forget trying to please others. It is a stupid waste of time to attempt to persuade someone to do something they really don’t want to do.

2)  It’s better to be a sinner than to be batshit insane.

3)  Trying to force an unwanted marriage on an adult in 21st century America is not only both stupid and batshit insane, but will likely lead to you being mocked on the internet.