Recently, I was asked if there were any strange things about the French, or about living in Paris. Of course, the answer was, “Well, uh…yeah”.
Many people have heard things about the French or Parisians (because they are not always the same thing) that are pure myth & bullshit…other things are very true & then there are still several other things that most Americans might never have thought of.
Just to clarify things a bit, I would like to share with all of you just a few things that I have learned during the past year & a half I have spent here in Paris:
1. Personal space is useless. When out in public, it is very important to push, touch, smack, poke & nudge as many people as possible. While waiting in line, ALWAYS stand very close to the person in front of you. You should be able to see the hairs on the back of their neck move each time that you exhale.
2. Pizza cutter? We don’t need no stinking pizza cutter. Scissors…it’s all done with scissors, fool. Also, pizza is eaten with a knife & fork. You know, like a hamburger.
3. Another note on pizza: putting a fried egg on a pizza instantly makes it an “American” style pizza. This technique is also applicable with several styles of sandwich.
4. There is really no reason to pronounce the names of American people the way that an English speaker would. For example:
GREW-SHOW MARX = Groucho Marx
MEE-SHELL CHREESH-TAHNG = Michael Chrichton
BEAR-BAH-RAH STREE-ZAHND = Barbara Streisand
DEE-DOO = Dido
If an English speaker has no idea who you’re talking about, that’s their problem.
5. The same rule applies for things as well as people. While ordering a delicious pizza, if you decide that you would like to also request a pint of yummy Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough flavored ice cream, you’re shit out of luck until you request that the pizza dude bring you “cookie doog”.
6. Milk does not need to be refrigerated until after you’ve opened the box. That’s right – the fucking box.
7. Bizarro World light switches…yeah, down is “on” & up is “off”.
8. The toilet has to be in a space separate from the rest of the bathroom…really, it should basically be in a closet all alone without anything else – not even a sink.
9. Talking to yourself while walking around in the streets or shops is normal..even better, sing at a high volume.
10. When confronted with a question that you do not know the answer to, simply shrug your shoulders & make a small farting noise with your mouth. This technique is also useful should you ever need to convey the sentiment, “I don’t care” non-verbally.