Rasmenia

“Do I fear death? No, I am not afraid of being dead because there’s nothing to be afraid of, I won’t know it. I fear dying, of dying I feel a sense of waste about it and I fear a sordid death, where I am incapacitated or imbecilic at the end which isn’t something to be afraid of, it’s something to be terrified of.”

“The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more.”

“So far, I have decided to take whatever my disease can throw at me, and to stay combative even while taking the measure of my inevitable decline. I repeat, this is no more than what a healthy person has to do in slower motion.”

“Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty, and wisdom will come to you that way.”

Christopher Hitchens

April 13, 1949 – December 15, 2011

If you have a little girl, don’t let her grow up to be a writer. You’ll only regret it.

Here’s what could happen: you could end up with a weirdo. A weirdo who sits alone in her room, scribbling in notebooks. A weirdo who you wish would try a little harder to be “normal”. But instead, you’ve got this strange little shit, sitting in her room, organizing these stacks of notebooks as if they actually meant something.

When her birthday rolls around, or Christmas, you hope that she’ll ask for one of those cute little fluffy whatever-the-hell those things are called because that’s what your friend’s daughter wants & they’re the same age, so… you hope. But, no. Your little freak asks for a typewriter.

Never mind that she doesn’t even know how to type. Whatever. You’ll buy her the damn thing and try not to stare at the awkward, hand-flying, key-banging style that she’s developing as she’s teaching herself to type.

Then you’ll notice she stopped reading those Choose Your Own Adventure books & started swiping your Stephen King books.

Appropriate reading for a 10 year-old? Yes. Yes it is.

You’ll wait for the phase to pass & as you wait, your weirdo is still collecting stacks of notebooks. She just sits on the corner of the couch, brooding & scribbling.

She takes a typing class at school, but continues to type countless pages of who knows what like a baboon having a seizure because it didn’t break her of that awkward style of typing she taught herself. Weirdo.

The worst part is, when she becomes an adult, it won’t stop. No, it only gets worse. She’ll write some more of her bullshit & broadcast it all over the Internet. She’ll write stories & they’ll show up in random places about how you’re a big fat fucking jerk for wanting her to not be such a weirdo & you will absolutely hate everything she writes, especially when there’s profanity or drugs or penises because you taught her better than that.

Why couldn’t she just want one of those cute little fluffy whatever-the-hell those things are called?

What were those things called? Who cares. Normal little girls had them. Yours won’t.

Don’t let your little girl grow up to be a writer. Everything she writes will only be another testament to your failure as a parent.

This could happen to you.

If you think it’ll be okay to get involved with some weirdo woman writer, think again.

Sure, she’ll seem smart enough at first. She’ll probably be pretty entertaining, too. But, trust me… no good can come from this.

It won’t matter how nice you are. It won’t matter how many selfless things you do. After it all falls apart – & it will fall apart – she’ll go from weirdo mode into full-blast, drunken-psycho-wreck mode.

She’ll take fragments of you & weave them into every horrible, despicable, rotten, rodent-faced fictional character that she makes up. She’ll tell everyone how you got so drunk that you licked spilled spaghetti sauce off of the kitchen floor with the dog. Everyone both of you know will find out about the time she caught you picking your nose, flicking it across the room & all of the other disgusting habits you let her see.

They’ll all get to read about all the stupid things you did, that you didn’t mean to do.

They’ll learn about all of the cruel things you said, that you really felt bad about later on.

Whatever you trusted her with, once it’s over, forget it. The weirdo had tucked it away & will use it all as writing fodder for the rest of her life.

But, not all of it. She won’t write anything about the time you showed up with a bottle of her favorite whiskey when she got fired from her job. She won’t mention the time you knocked on her door & surprised her with dinner while wearing a penguin costume.

She won’t say anything positive about you. She won’t write about anything good from your time with her because she’s a total mess who doesn’t find those happy things to be as meaningful. It’s really how bad you made her feel that’s worth remembering & writing about.

And it’s because, well fuck you because you should’ve known better than to get involved with some crazy writer.

If this happens to you, if you decide to ignore my warning, then try not to take it personally. This weirdo, this cannibalistic freak, she’s observing you, feeding off of you & everyone else she comes into contact with because that’s what she’s always done & there’s a stack of notebooks tucked away in her basement that she’s been accumulating for years & years to prove it.

Countless things you did. They're in here... somewhere.

So, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Then again, maybe you’re smart enough to know that being a weirdo isn’t a bad thing.

1. Oscar Wilde

Wilde, 1997 – Stephen Fry is just freaking brilliant in this movie that depicts Oscar Wilde’s career, wit & torment as he struggled with a family, his homosexuality (represented by the jazzy pink suit) & the absurd trial that resulted in his being sentenced to hard labor – a sentence that eventually caused his death.

2. Sylvia Plath

Sylvia, 2003 – While I can’t stand Gwyneth Paltrow (who can?) I really enjoyed this film about Sylvia Plath & Ted Hughes.  Of course, there’s some other business about Bell Jars & sticking heads in ovens, as one might expect.

3. Truman Capote

Capote, 2005 – I went to see this movie at the theater & have a clear recollection of being bored more than anything.  This film is really more about the conception of Capote’s novel, “In Cold Blood” & is less about the writer himself.  While Philip Seymour Hoffman isn’t really capable of delivering anything close to a shitty performance, his acting ability just wasn’t enough to make up for the agonizingly slow pace of this movie.

4. J.M. Barrie

Finding Neverland, 2004 – Another one that I went to see in the theater & I ended up doing that thing where I had to sniff, snuffle & sob as quietly as possible so as not to draw too much attention to myself since this movie made me blubber like a freaking baby.  Stellar acting & a beautiful story of how Barrie’s story of “Peter Pan” was born.

5. Reinaldo Arenas

Before Night Falls, 2000 – I had never heard of Javier Bardem before watching this movie, which is one of the best literary biopics that I’ve ever seen.  Arenas’ writing & homosexuality get him into a lot of trouble in 1960′s Cuba, landing him in prison & forcing him to smuggle his novels to the outside world.  There are also a couple of great cameos from Sean Penn & Johnny Depp.  If this isn’t on your ‘to watch’ list, add it on there now.

6. Allen Ginsberg

Howl, 2010 – I just watched this one recently & man… I was just blown away.  It is absolutely brilliant.  One of the things I liked about the most is the fact that this isn’t much of a biography, but is more about Ginsberg’s work & the poem itself, which is read by James Franco in an outstanding performance & interpreted with some stunning animation.

7. William S. Burroughs

Beat, 2000 – I have yet to see this movie.  It seems like a rather difficult feat just trying to get my hands on a copy of it.  Then again, I’m not sure how eager I am to see Kiefer Sutherland’s portrayal of William Burroughs.

Naked Lunch, 1991 – While I may not be too eager to see Jack Bauer’s portrayal of Burroughs, I have to say that RoboCop fucking nailed it.  David Cronenberg’s movies are usually… well, incredibly disgusting, but this one is most excellent.  It’s also wonderfully bizarre & twisted which is something I’m sure any fan of Burroughs would appreciate.

8. Arthur Rimbaud

Total Eclipse, 1995 – Somehow I missed this one when it first came out & didn’t hear anything about it until a decade after it was made.  Thankfully, I got a hold of it right away & was very pleased with it.  I’ve loved Rimbaud for years, so seeing his relationship with Paul Verlaine & his self-destruction played out was a real treat for me.  Then again, when has watching a Leonardo DiCaprio movie sucked?

9. Jim Carroll

The Basketball Diaries, 1995 – Oh, look… it’s Leo again.  Now, I’m sure I don’t even need to provide any details about this film.  I’m sure you’ve all already seen this movie about Jim Carroll‘s heroin addiction & journey back to sanity, right?  You already know how awesome it is, right?  No?  Okay, we’re not even speaking the same language here.  Go watch it now.

10. Hunter S. Thompson

Where the Buffalo Roam, 1980 – I have been dying to see this movie.  Bill Murray as Hunter S. Thompson… how can this not be fucking amazing?  The problem is, I haven’t been able to find a copy with the original musical score, as the DVD & VHS copies were all released with an edited score due to the cost of music licensing.  Bummer.

Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, 1998 – Okay, I can actually let it slide if you haven’t seen The Basketball Diaries, as long as you’ve seen Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas.  This is quite possibly the greatest role of Johnny Depp’s career.  I’m completely serious about this.  And I’m also serious when I tell you that Depp’s spot-on portrayal of Hunter S. Thompson combined with director Terry Gilliam, Benicio del Toro and a story by HST himself, that all adds up to nothing short of one of the best movies ever made.  Ever.  In the history of ever.

11. Charles Bukowski

Barfly, 1987 - Mickey Rourke plays Bukowski’s fictional alter ego, Henry Chinaski in this film that was written by Bukowski himself.  The film is brilliant.  Faye Dunaway is marvelous.  Mickey Rourke… well, as much as I like him, his performance was a bit over the top in this one.

Factotum, 2005 – One of the best movies I’ve ever seen.  On my list of all-time favorites.  Matt Dillon takes a turn at playing a drunk & surly Chinaski.  The result is pure gold.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of the screen & when Dillon reads a Bukowski poem, the little hairs on my arm stand up to attention.  There is also the fact that this film is a portrait of a younger Bukowski who has yet to achieve his first publication, but he keeps plugging away, working shitty jobs, drinking & writing as much as he can.  There’s no doubt I found myself relating to several elements in the film & the main character.

12. Leo Tolstoy

The Last Station, 2009 – Um… have you seen this yet?  I haven’t.  I admit that while the idea of Christopher Plummer taking on the role of Tolstoy intrigues me, but this movie poster just isn’t selling it.  Seriously, it looks like they crafted it using a template for some crappy romantic comedy.

13. Beatrix Potter

Miss Potter, 2006 – I had looked forward to watching this movie only because when I was very small, I loved the book, “The Tale of Peter Rabbit.” Something about watching trailer for Miss Potter appealed to my sense of nostalgia, to my inner child & all that.  However, I found it difficult to stay interested in the movie.  While it wasn’t truly terrible, Renee Zellweger fails to captivate me & often seems to be playing the same character over & over again.  I blame it on miscasting.

There are a few others that are definitely worth a look: Running With Scissors, based on Augustus Burroughs’ memoir, Angela’s Ashes, from Frank McCourt’s memoirs, This Boy’s Life, based on the memoirs of Tobias Wolff (& starring Leonardo DiCaprio – again).  There is also Quills, which is a very good film about the Marquis de Sade, though it is factually inaccurate.  And just around the corner is The Raven, where John Cusack will be playing Edgar Allen Poe.  This one is currently filming, but you can bet I’ll be watching that one as soon as I can.

So, are there any good movies about some of our favorite authors that aren’t on the list?  And WHY has no one made a film yet about Kurt Vonnegut? I’m just sayin’.