Rasmenia

It recently occurred to me that I haven’t made fun of any French weirdness in quite a while. I mean, it’s been like, 2 whole blog posts ago. It’s not that I’d stopped noticing, having grown accustomed & become part of the weirdness. Okay, okay… I may have become a wee part of the weirdness, but that doesn’t mean I don’t take notice of it.

One thing that has been a constantly baffling source of amusement here is the French titles for American movies. This isn’t something confounding only to Americans, either. There are plenty of savvy French movie goers who understand the absurdity & hilarity of the French titles, but those bizarre titles keep showing up, anyway.

It often seems that there is no rhyme or reason to it. After seeing countless movie posters, TV spots & theater signs, there is no discernible pattern to this madness. Believe me, I’ve tried to make sense of it. I can’t do it.

Sometimes, they keep the original English title. However, there are many cases where this is impossible, as the English title is an idiomatic phrase that makes no sense in French & has no equivalent, creating the need for a new, hilarious French title.

The Crystal Trap	58 Minutes to Live
A Day in Hell	Return to Hell

What amuses me most about the French posters for the Die Hard franchise is, the phrase “Die Hard” gets larger with each poster. I think that’s a good sign since “A Good Day to Die Hard,” the 5th movie in the series will be called: Belle Journée Pour Mourir. That translates to a Beautiful Day to Die, so, hey… they’re getting better.

Other times, the title is still in English, but has just been changed to some other English words that have nothing to do with the original title.

You probably already figured out that the first one is “The Hangover.” This is one of the most ridiculous French titles I’ve ever seen. In spite of the fact that there is a French expression for a hangover (gueule de bois) this movie was retitled in a way to associate it with the 1998 movie, Very Bad Things. The two movies are completely unrelated, but both are about a group of guys who go to Vegas before one of them gets married.

If you’re lucky, you haven’t seen the second movie, titled “Guess Who?” in the States, is a shitty remake of the 1967 Spencer Tracy/Sidney Poitier classic, “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.” Evidently, when they released it in France, they cut right to the point & said, “Fuck guessing. It’s a black guy & a white guy.” Which, to be fair, is often enough to let ticket buyers know they’re in for some wacky hijinks.

As we all know, sex sells, which is why there are several instances of movie titles getting a little bit of sexing up for French audiences.

No Strings Attached

Step Up

Cruel Intentions

My favorite is the sexing up of “Cruel Intentions”, which most people know is a horrible, young 90′s American version of “Les Liaisons Dangereuses,” a French novel written by an old-timey French guy named Pierre Choderlos de Laclos. Yeah, sometimes they inexplicably give weird, sexy titles to their own stories.

It doesn’t happen very often, but some of the biggest laughs come when the French & American posters seem to be for two very different movies… even though once you hit “play,” you still get the same boring shit.

Before the sexy Photoshop

The Harvests of Fire

Sometimes, the new & improved French titles just like to ask questions.

Is There a Cop to Save the Queen?	Is There a Cop to Save the President?
Is There a Cop to Save Hollywood?	Is There a Pilot in the Plane?

The inquisitive title isn’t just for zany comedies, either. It also works for cheesy horror flicks.

Vampire? Did You Say Vampire?

The recent remake of Fright Night didn’t get this clever title. It kept the same title as the American release, which is a good example of the fact that this is something that seems to happening a bit less in recent years. However, I kind of feel like they should have changed the title to “106 Minutes of Colin Farrell in a Wife Beater.”

You know, to sell more tickets.

And speaking of horror movies…

The Claws of the Night

The Teeth of the Sea

One thing that I see a lot of is a title that’s been changed & effectively gets the point across, but just sounds dull & doesn’t stand out as a unique title.

My Best Friends

Friends Forever

The Escapees

To be fair, that Adam Sandler nonsense where he filmed himself hanging out with his friends could have been called anything & it would still be horrible. And though it won’t surprise anyone, it may still be worth mentioning that the French DVD cover for “Bridesmaids” does state that the movie is a “feminine Very Bad Trip.”

There are the movie titles that in my mind, are amusing, but seem a bit misleading.

The Kites of Kabul

Just think of all those people sitting in the theater, expecting to see a nice movie about kites who ended up sitting through 2 hours of people doing things & talking about stuff.

Animal House

Hey! It’s a movie about an American college! Probably all American colleges are like the one in this movie. As you likely already know, anything you want to learn about another culture can be learned from watching movies. Sure, go ahead & laugh, but just like many Americans, thousands of French people watch American movies & believe those things to be an accurate representation of our lives.

Then again, it probably isn’t so far-fetched.

There are many, many more, but that’s enough for now. You get the idea. Besides, all of these is really nothing compared to the French titles of some American TV shows.

I’ll get to that later.

“You can’t just eat good food. You’ve got to talk about it too. And you’ve got to talk about it to somebody who understands that kind of food.” ― Kurt Vonnegut

“Watch a French housewife as she makes her way slowly along the loaded stalls… searching for the peak of ripeness and flavor… What you are seeing is a true artist at work, patiently assembling all the materials of her craft, just as the painter squeezes oil colors onto his palette ready to create a masterpiece.” ― Keith Floyd

“Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.” ― Art Buchwald

*

A while ago, someone read several posts on this blog & said to me, “I really enjoyed reading through all of your food posts. I’m a big foodie, like you.”

Uh… what? Like me? Me? A foodie?

No.

I like to eat, sure. I love to cook & try new foods, recipes & cuisines. I like to talk about food with people who like to talk about food, who know & enjoy good food… but the term “foodie” just sounds so ridiculous. No offense to anyone (Actually, be offended if you need to be & really want to be. I’m just trying to be fucking polite.) but when someone tells me that they’re a “big foodie,” I immediately lose interest in the conversation.

I loathe the word “foodie.”

Part of the reason for this is because most people broadcasting their “foodie” status don’t seem to know much about food, they’re often just people who like to eat. This is fine. I like to eat, too. It’s fun, often delicious & it keeps me from dying, which is something I like very much about eating.

Hearing this stupid word over & over again did get me to thinking, though. Why is it that here in France, where almost everyone has an extreme appreciation for food, there is no one walking around proudly announcing what a big foodie they are?

I’ve done some digging & I’ve asked around a bit. I can’t find a direct translation. There is no French word for “foodie” because it’s some made-up American shit.

There’s épicurien: adjective; fond of or adapted to luxury or indulgence in sensual pleasures; having luxurious tastes or habits, especially in eating and drinking.

And gastronome: noun; a connoisseur of good food; gourmet; epicure.

There’s gourmet, but I’m going to go out on a limb & say that all these “foodies” aren’t gourmets. A gourmet is a connoisseur & has skills in not only preparing & serving food, but also in finding ingredients. A gourmet does not acquire this skill set from watching the Food Network or by cooking shit that comes out cans, jars or the frozen food section. (It’s okay if you think I’m a dick.)

I found the most satisfactory definitions on Urban Dictionary:

I didn’t know how to eat before moving to France. By “eat,” I don’t mean the physical act of picking up food & sticking it in my mouth, though I do admit to occasional mishaps resulting in food going in all sorts of places nowhere near my mouth.

What I’m talking about is something else. I liked eating before I moved here. I’ve always been adventurous about tasting new things. But I didn’t appreciate eating the way I do today. I didn’t know all of the things that I do now. Before my life in France, food was something to keep me alive. It was a necessity & didn’t matter much where it came from or how it was prepared, though I did prefer that it taste good as opposed to being bland or tasting like a bit of deep-fried vomit.

One day, when I was still living in Colorado, Olivier asked me if I liked mushrooms.

“No way,” I said, “Those things taste like shit. I don’t like mushrooms at all.”

“Really? Maybe you just don’t know mushrooms.”

He was right. It wasn’t enough to say that I liked or disliked mushrooms. I had to know my girolles from my cépes & morilles. One day, Olivier & I bundled ourselves up & ventured out into the freshly fallen winter snow with my father-in-law, who led us out to the forest behind his house. He explained to me where to find mushrooms, what to look for & how to tell deliciousness from crap while it’s still in the ground.

It turned out that I absolutely love mushrooms & enjoy cooking with various types of them quite often. What I didn’t like was the crappy, generic canned mushrooms that I had been fed growing up. Truly, I did not know mushrooms.

The difference between good & bad is actually quite obvious…

I’ve learned a similar lesson about various other foods. I’ve also become more aware of things like which foods & dishes come from which region & what time of year is best for eating this fruit or that vegetable.

Do I call myself a “foodie” now? Hell no.

I’ve noticed other things over the past 6 years. When I’m with French family & friends, we often talk about food. We chat about what we’re cooking, how we cook it, what we’re growing in the garden & when visiting, we bring one another food that we’ve grown or prepared.

One day, as we were all enjoying a big family lunch together & were of course, talking at great length about food, my mother-in-law said, “People who eat only to stay alive… this is so sad. This would be an unhappy life for me. Food is such a pleasure… & it’s so important for a good life.”

I found myself agreeing wholeheartedly. Since leaving the U.S., I’ve learned to truly appreciate food. From strolling around outdoor markets in search of fresh ingredients, to preparing & cooking… all the way to sitting down to a long, leisurely meal with my husband, I’ve come to genuinely enjoy eating.

So when I ask about foodies in France, the answer I get is, “What? This is an American thing to put these labels on people, or to tell people what you are. To appreciate food… it’s just… normal. French people know the importance of producing, eating & enjoying good food. There are no ‘French foodies’. Everyone here loves food. Gastronomy is part of our culture.”

Maybe it’s not that I became a “foodie,” but simply became more healthy & aware of what I’m putting in my body. Maybe I’ve just adapted to the lifestyle & eating habits of my adopted country.

It doesn’t matter. I still think the word “foodie” still sounds retarded.

 

“Man can not live by bread alone … he must have peanut butter.” – Bill Cosby

“I mostly eat peanut butter sandwiches. Peanut butter and banana, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and potato chips, peanut butter and olives, and peanut butter and marshmallow goo. So sue me, I like peanut butter.” – Janet Evanovich

“Peanut butter is the paté of childhood.” – Florence Fabricant

*

I’ve heard a lot of people say that the French hate Americans. Before I moved to France, a few people asked me, “You sure you want to move there? They hate us in France.”

After I moved here, a couple of people asked about me when talking with my relatives, or mutual friends. “What’s she doing over there? Doesn’t she know that French people hate Americans?”

I’m happy to tell you that this is complete bullshit. These are the concerns of the gullible, the ignorant & those who have never set foot on European soil. I’ve been here for 6 years & haven’t encountered any serious anti-Americanism. (Sure, France has it’s own set of gullible & ignorant fear mongers, but that’s another story.)

No, French people in general don’t have a collective hatred for Americans. If you don’t know, they rather like us, even if we leave them shaking their heads from time to time. Many of them do, however, share a strong disdain for something that we Americans hold dear. Something that is part of our… Americanness. For many of us, a taste from our childhood.

What they have is anti-peanut butterism. Yes. It’s a thing. A very real thing.

The average American is easier to tolerate than this, is what I'm saying.

Before we were married, when I was still living in Colorado, Olivier & I would engage in lengthy debates on the phone or via email about which is better: peanut butter, or Nutella. I don’t get the connection, but many French people will scrunch up their face, or grimace at the mention of peanut butter. Then they will often respond with something like, “I prefer Nutella”.

Sure, Nutella is good, but it’s chocolatey-hazelenut cream. As far as the taste & consistancy goes, it has jack shit to do with peanut butter.

Well, they're both sold in jars. So there's that.

It took a while, but Olivier came around. One day I made him a toasted peanut butter & jelly sandwich. He nodded his head as he chewed, looked down at the gooey deliciousness in his hand & he saw that it was good.

Then he said, “I still prefer Nutella.”

It’s been a few years & occasionally, he’ll make himself a PB & J for breakfast & each time, I smugly bask in my successful conversion. While there are a few French people who have tried peanut butter & liked it, their numbers are few. Successful conversions are rare.

We almost always have some peanut butter in the house. He eats it on his own, yet he still tells me, “I prefer Nutella”. Each time, my response is the same: I take a deep breath & say, “IT HAS FUCK ALL TO DO WITH GODDAMN NUTELLA.”

Or something like that. But, hey… whatever. At least he came around. We still eat Nutella on crêpes. It all evens out.

I’ve heard countless complaints from Americans living in France that peanut butter doesn’t exist here. That’s just more bullshit. There’s peanut butter all over the fucking place. When we were living in Paris, I often found it at the grocery store. The problem was, I usually only found very small jars of nasty-ass Skippy for about 5 Euros a pop. Yeah… a small jar of peanut butter in Paris was between $7 – $8. Lame, right?

Later, I found bigger jars for 1-2 Euros each from a British food supplier. I had never heard of the brand before, but it tasted better than Skippy.

Then we made an even better discovery in a Chinese grocery store: big-ass jars of African peanut butter for 1 Euro. The best part: it was that natural kind of peanut butter that separates so you get the oil pool on the top. I thought to myself, “Of course they have plenty of it at the Chinese market. Duh.” It makes sense. I use peanut butter for cooking Thai food more than anything else.

So, to recap: 1) Most French people hate peanut butter, but like Americans. 2) Americans who claim France has no peanut butter are either full of shit, or haven’t looked in more than one place. This is likely an indication that they have bigger problems than a lack of peanut butter.

I’ve heard Olivier telling other French people of what he’s learned. “It’s not bad,” he says. “A little bit on toast with some jam. It’s pretty good.”

They’ll shake their heads & say things like: “It has too much fat. It isn’t good for you.” Ok, sure… there’s some fat in peanut butter. But this is France, where everything is drowning in butter & foie gras is a food group. I’m not buying it. It is good for you, if you don’t eat several jars at a time.

I’ve also heard reasons like, “It’s dirty” & “It looks too much like vomit” or “It’s too sweet”. Um… I have to point out that if your peanut butter is sweeter than Nutella, something is wrong with it. If anything, peanut butter should be a bit on the salty side.

I think this means they're not ready for the Fluffernutter.

When we tell the peanut butter haters that we get peanut butter from Africa (not the U.S.) & make Thai food with it, the response is, “That’s not the same. That’s beurre de cacahuètes. It’s different.” Look, smooshed peanuts by any other name are still smooshed peanuts.

One thing I’ve noticed & which has been pointed out on this website as well is the fact that there’s a shit load of peanut-flavored snacks available at the grocery store here in France. Peanuts are served for apéritif quite often. So, to clarify: they don’t hate peanuts, or the deliciousness of artificial peanutty flavoring, just peanut butter.

Yeah, I don’t get it, either. But, when I was little, I used to eat peanut butter & butter sandwiches. I’m thinking I might be able to sell them on this. If I slather enough butter on it… & serve it with a glass of wine & a side of foie gras.