“Religion is like a pair of shoes: find one that fits for you, but don’t try to make me wear your shoes.” – George Carlin.
“Anybody who wants religion is welcome to it, as far as I’m concerned–I support your right to enjoy it. However, I would appreciate it if you exhibited more respect for the rights of those people who do not wish to share your dogma, rapture, or necrodestination.” – Frank Zappa
“One’s own religion is after all a matter between oneself and one’s Maker and no one else’s.” – Kahlil Gibran
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This is something I don’t enjoy writing about. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth; leaves me feeling dirty, like I need a Silkwood shower & a couple of shots of Jameson to burn it all away. In fact, while I was planning on sitting down today to write a blog post, I had a completely different & unrelated topic in mind. Something a bit lighter. Something less aggravating & polarizing.
That’ll have to wait for another day.
I changed my mind this morning because I received an email. I read it & vowed that I would bark about it to the Internet while shaking my fist & using lots of profanity. Because I love you, Internet. I want to share these things with you. Also because bickering with the sender of the offending email is pointless (I don’t speak much to them, anyway) & would be less entertaining for the rest of us.
So… what did it say? What was so annoying that it warranted a rant?
This: “I forgive you.”
This came as a surprise, since I’d never asked to be forgiven. The message went on to say that even though they don’t condone my “life of ungodliness”, they forgive me; that while they do not have a relationship with me since I “have denounced God” & am “not a Christian,” that they still had to forgive me. Because the pastor said so.
A few words jumped into my mind as I read: arrogant. Condescending. Self-righteous. Judgmental. Stupid.
This wasn’t a sincere message. This was an “I don’t really forgive anything” message. A “What you are just chaps my ass & just wanted you to know” message. For a message of forgiveness, it was one of the most insulting, blindside emails anyone’s ever sent to me.
I cannot comprehend the misguided piety that motivates a person to sit down at a computer & compose an email that basically says, “I forgive you for living differently than I do. I judge you. I’m better than you & will not associate with you because of it, but I forgive you.”
Then again, I have hobbies.
Of course, they could never understand the most important thing, here: I am not seeking forgiveness. I don’t hand much of it out, either. Telling someone that you forgive them for something they were never, ever sorry for is one of the most obtuse & audacious things a person can do. Forgiving me for living my own life the way that I see fit? A terse “fuck you” just doesn’t seem appropriate here, even if it might be satisfying.
Perhaps it’s because a false & self-serving message of forgiveness is so pathetic that it doesn’t even merit the wrath or disdain of a “fuck you.” Jumping up on the dinner table & dropping a deuce in my soup is deserving of a “fuck you.” Passing judgment on my life, my belief system (essentially, who & what I am) & sending me sanctimonious bits of bullshit is much worse.
Please don’t misunderstand the meaning of my tirade: this is not a criticism of anyone’s faith. It’s about hiding behind faith as an excuse to be an asshole. If you’re going to be an asshole, be one, but find a better reason & be honest about why you’re being an asshole. Don’t throw heinous insults at someone & then say that it’s because some pastor or other nameless religious authority told you to. That’s a fucking cop-out. It’s cowardly.
Forgiveness is something that you do for yourself, to heal, to move on, or whatever you need to do. In many cases – such as, forgiving someone for being different than you – you can probably just keep that shit to yourself. Or keep it between you & whatever version of God you’ve chosen.
Many of my close friends & relatives are believers of some kind or another. I sincerely don’t care. They don’t judge me. They don’t get all up in my grill about it & I don’t get up in theirs. We have a firm grasp on the basic concept of mutual respect, so there’s no problem. We have millions of other things we can talk about. We can still enjoy conversations with one another, in spite of my godlessness. We care enough about one another to maintain a relationship, to nurture it with civility & laughing about stuff, instead of acting like dicks.
I’ve heard a lot of complaints about what big bullies atheists can be. Maybe there’s some truth to it. It seems reasonable to say that both sides would have their share of asshats. While it’s poor form to send someone a blindside email criticizing their godless existence, it would be equally wrong to spend your free time composing & sending insulting emails to a christian because you’re pissed off about their ignorance of Christopher Hitchens & rejection of science.
And what about my godlessness? What’s the big deal?
I spend a lot of time reading the works of prominent atheists, but I’m not an atheist.
I might burn some sage to clear out the bad vibes, but I’m not a pagan or wiccan.
I’ll meditate & do some yoga, but I’m not a buddhist.
I grew up Methodist, but I’m definitely not a Christian. I’ve never tried to hide this, because I’m not ashamed of it. But I don’t run through the streets shouting about it & rubbing people’s noses in it. The reason being: it isn’t anyone’s goddamn business what I do or do not believe. I don’t have to pick one thing & one thing only to believe. I can do whatever I want. So can you. We all have the right to think, feel & believe as we see fit. However, you do not have the right to bother anyone else with it & use it as a reason to insult or belittle another person, regardless of what the more extreme members of various religious groups & political parties say or do.
I never asked for forgiveness. Because I’m not sorry. I am not sorry for who I am, for the kind of woman I am, or how I live my life. That is not something I would ask to be forgiven for. If you don’t like the way that someone lives their life, then don’t be a part of it. Move on. Do your own thing.
When someone offers forgiveness that wasn’t asked for, it’s false, smug & selfish. They’ve lost the meaning of “Christ-like”. They’ve warped the concept of forgiveness. Worse yet, they could end up as blog fodder for some bigmouth on the Internet.
If you enjoy fighting with people on Facebook, or elsewhere on the Internet in those boring religious debates, that’s fine. But, when you start sending people direct messages disguised as normal correspondence with the sole intention of knocking their lifestyle & inflating your own self-righteous delusions, it’s harassment. It has all the assholery of leaving someone a flaming bag of poo, but without the comedy. When your bigotry drives you to do something like this, when you can’t find anything better to do with your time than to antagonize the people in your life, it’s not forgiveness that’s important.
What is important is something simple. Something basic that you’ve now abandoned: kindness.
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“Conventionality is not morality. Self-righteousness is not religion.” – Charlotte Brontë
Well written post, Ras’.
Having been on the unconventional side since birth, I can empathize.
I’ve always thought that “forgiveness” was right up there with religion and politics as concerns the “between you and your maker” position. Unless, of course, you were participating in a “truth and reconciliation” process in Rwanda, South Africa, or Folsom prison, which would be a whole different “forgiveness” event about which one might like to be blabby.
I hope that you asshat friend gets the message loud and clear and moves on to forgiving someone else pronto…
I think I know who you are talking about and they don’t like me either. I am not even worthy of an ” I forgive you.” Oh well, like you, I will live my life, my way, without them. I love my faith, but would never judge anyone else for theirs or lack thereof. I guess they forgot the scripture of , judge thee not, lest ye be judged. Keep writing, Sweetie, we love you!
Good points Jacki. I am not a religious person so to speak but am not a non-believer. I try not to judge people for I do not wish to be judged. I too know who you are referring to and like Aunt Terry they don’t like me or my spouse, that is their loss! We love you and are glad that you have chosen to include us in your life. Keep up the writing!!
Very well written. This is very much how I feel and you put it into words. I recently made a gentle (not to offend anyone) FB comment. Unbeknownst to me, freedom to speak depends on what you have to say. My comment was not derrogative, judgemental, or otherwise, however, it was deleted.
Thanks for sharing the blog.
Forgive them, for they know what they do.
Sheesh…quick fingers.
Forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Heh heh… good advice, Rick. 😉
Thanks for stopping in – it’s good to see you around here.
I was actually googling this b/c I too found “I forgive you” condescending when it was uninvited. In my case, the person would not even speak to me about the matter in detail and I was left on my own to deal with it. Yes, it felt self-righteous and I felt judged, and I could never clarify what he thought I did. Church folks can be clueless and broken like anyone else.
Saying “I forgive you,” makes sense if someone approaches me and says, “I am so sorry, ” or even “Please forgive me.” Sure, okay. But the person who says, “I forgive you,” and then ends things in a bizarre manner probably has no clue how that sounds. If he did, it would be straight up mean.
I agree that in many cases, forgiveness is about YOU and working through your own stuff alone. If you want to bring it up, then at least be relational and talk it through.
I forgot to say I am a Christian in the above post, and I often think about how forgiveness works and what it means. Going through this experience has caused me to ponder how to be kind should I ever state I forgive anyone.
Hi Halley –
Thanks for dropping by & adding your perspective to the conversation. I especially like what you said about being rational & having a conversation. I think I’d also prefer if someone initiated a dialogue with me, as opposed to offering some passive-aggressive “forgiveness” that I was never looking for.
I can only see two options: talk it through, or find a way to let it go. Genuine forgiveness may or may not wrapped up in there somewhere. 😉