I once had a neighbor who was from Arkansas. I lived in the apartment directly below hers. When her kitchen sink had a leak, she piled a bunch of towels & dirty clothes under the leak. Of course, after a few weeks of this, the result was a smelly pond that appeared in my apartment within a matter of minutes in the middle of the night.

Another neighbor I had held his girlfriend’s family hostage, which resulted in a standoff with the police for over 12 hours before he finally released all of the hostages & blew his brains out.

One neighbor painted a deer turd with gold spray paint, hung it on a chain & gave it to me as a gift when I moved into the neighborhood.

Of course, I can’t forget the neighbor who raped & beat a girl to death. He was found in Guatemala 2 months later by America’s Most Wanted & I watched the whole thing on TV.

These freaks were nothing compared to Hedwig & The Banshee.

Hedwig earned his name when one night, when my husband & I had become annoyed once again with his shitty music overpowering our TV, my husband, Olivier, went up the stairs to talk to him. What Olivier found was a guy dressed up, wearing make-up & rocking out to “Hedwig & the Angry Inch” in the middle of the night.

The Banshee…well, it should be quite obvious why she is called “The Banshee”.

Olivier has ventured up the stairs countless times to talk to Hedwig & The Banshee in an effort to explain to them that this is in fact, an apartment building, that they do not live in a house in the middle of nowhere…that if they jump up & down, scream & play the same shitty song 82 times a day with the stereo volume cranked up to the maximum level, it might disturb the neighbors.

Unfortunately, while I can speak & understand enough French to get through a conversation, I’m not yet fluent in “ass-reaming”. In speaking English, I am more than capable of launching an effective verbal assault. With the English language, I can be intimidating when necessary.

In French, however, any attempts at this, & I would most likely come across as a stammering psychotic. Not too bad, but the chances of success are greatly diminished.

The last time there was an incident, Olivier spoke to Hedwig, who took great offense at the fact that we didn’t like his music. After his girlfriend Banshee returned home, she promptly appeared at our door, shrieking & yowling hysterically – as most species of Banshee are prone to do.

She screamed. She whined & made threats. We…well, we just stared at her. What else can one do with a hysterical freak on your doorstep without a good throwing rock?

It seems that they cannot be communicated with. This only leaves one solution: merciless pranking. An onslaught of ridiculous & absurd acts of jackassery that leaves them so annoyed that their only solution is to move away.

I’m saving up some old eggs & cheese for a special delivery to their mailbox. I’ll probably fish some choice nuggets out of my cat’s litter box for that, too.

I’ve on several occasions, played my own obnoxious music at ridiculously high volumes, but am thinking that it might be more effective if Slayer would actually come play in our apartment.

Maybe I could just break in to their apartment & steal all of lady boy Hedwig’s best eye shadow.

There’s always shooting them, but I don’t like or own any guns & don’t see any point of putting myself at risk. Let’s face it – homicide isn’t really a creative solution in a situation like this – it’s much too simple.

What would you do with a rude & an obnoxious neighbor that refuses to compromise with you? What have you done in the past to deal with an asshole?

I’m off to fish for cat poop…maybe I’ll even spray paint them gold before I deliver them.
[tags]Neighbors, Hedwig, Banshee, Obnoxious, poop, Cheese, French, America’s Most Wanted, Murders, English[/tags]


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